My Partner Is Passive-Aggressive

Does your partner give you the cold shoulder, make sarcastic comments, or say "I'm fine" when they're clearly not? Learn how to recognize passive-aggressive behavior, why they do it, and how to stop the toxic pattern.

⚠️ Important Relationship Advice Disclaimer: This content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered professional relationship counseling, therapy, or mental health advice. Relationship dynamics are highly individual and complex, involving unique personal histories, attachment patterns, mental health considerations, and interpersonal dynamics that require personalized professional guidance. The information provided here does not constitute professional counseling or therapy and should not be relied upon as a substitute for qualified mental health care. If you are experiencing relationship distress, mental health challenges, patterns of unhealthy relationships, or emotional difficulties, please consult with a licensed therapist, relationship counselor, or mental health professional who can provide personalized support tailored to your specific situation. Every relationship situation is unique and may require specialized professional intervention. The strategies discussed here are general in nature and may not be appropriate for all situations, particularly those involving abuse, manipulation, or mental health crises.

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Quick Answer:

Passive-aggressive behavior is indirect expression of anger or resentment instead of direct communication—things like silent treatment, sarcasm disguised as jokes, "forgetting" important things, agreeing to your face then sabotaging behind your back, backhanded compliments, and saying "I'm fine" when they're clearly not. Common signs include: deliberately doing things slowly or poorly when asked to help, withholding affection as punishment, playing victim when confronted, procrastinating on things that matter to you, and making you feel crazy for being upset about their behavior. People are passive-aggressive because: they weren't taught how to express anger directly, they fear conflict or confrontation, they feel powerless and this is how they reclaim control, or they're manipulative and enjoy the power dynamic. To address it: name the behavior directly ("When you say you're fine but give me the silent treatment, that's passive-aggressive"), refuse to engage with the manipulation (don't chase, don't beg for communication), require direct communication ("I need you to tell me what's wrong directly, not punish me indirectly"), and insist on couples therapy if it continues. If they refuse to acknowledge the pattern, gaslight you about it, or continue despite your boundaries, it's emotional abuse and you should leave.

What You're Living With

Something's wrong. You can feel it.

But when you ask:

"What's wrong?"

They say: "Nothing. I'm fine."

But they're clearly NOT fine because:

They're giving you the silent treatment
Their tone is dripping with sarcasm
They "forgot" to do the thing you asked
They're sighing heavily and rolling their eyes
They agreed to plans then "accidentally" scheduled something else
They're being deliberately unhelpful
They're making little digs disguised as jokes
They're withholding affection as punishment

And when you call them out:

"You're clearly upset about something."

They respond: "You're being too sensitive. I said I'm fine!"

Now YOU'RE the problem for:

Noticing their behavior
Asking what's wrong
Being upset by their hostility
"Making a big deal out of nothing"

You feel:

Crazy for reacting to their obvious anger
Frustrated by the denial
Exhausted from trying to decode their behavior
Like you're walking on eggshells
Angry at the manipulation
Hopeless that anything will change

You've tried:

Asking directly what's wrong (they say nothing)
Giving them space (the cold shoulder continues)
Apologizing for things you're not even sure you did
Ignoring the behavior (it escalates)
Getting angry (they play the victim)
Begging them to just communicate

Nothing works.

Because passive-aggressive behavior isn't about communication.

It's about control, avoidance, and indirect hostility.

And it's destroying your relationship.

What Passive-Aggressive Behavior Actually Looks Like

Let's identify it clearly.

SIGN #1: The Silent Treatment

What it is:
Refusing to speak to you, ignoring you, pretending you don't exist as punishment.

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They're angry but won't tell you why. They're punishing you indirectly instead of communicating directly.

SIGN #2: "I'm Fine" (When They're Clearly Not)

What it is:
Denying they're upset while exhibiting clear signs of anger—cold tone, hostile body language, withdrawal.

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They force you to deal with their anger without acknowledging they're angry. You can't resolve what they won't admit exists.

SIGN #3: Sarcasm and Backhanded Compliments

What it sounds like:

"Oh, you actually cleaned the kitchen. Wow, miracles do happen."
"Nice of you to finally show up."
"I'm so glad you could squeeze me into your busy schedule."

Why it's passive-aggressive:
Hostility wrapped in humor or fake praise. If you react, they say you can't take a joke.

SIGN #4: "Forgetting" Important Things

What it looks like:

"Forgetting" your anniversary, birthday, or important event
"Forgetting" to do something they agreed to
Consistently "forgetting" things that matter to you

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They're punishing you or expressing resentment through "accidental" negligence.

SIGN #5: Procrastination as Punishment

What it looks like:
Agreeing to help with something, then dragging their feet indefinitely. The task you need done never happens, or happens so late it causes problems.

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They're saying "no" through inaction instead of directly refusing.

SIGN #6: Sabotage

What it looks like:

Agreeing to plans, then "accidentally" scheduling something else
Promising to do something important, then doing it wrong or poorly
Supporting you to your face, undermining you behind your back

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They appear cooperative while actively working against you.

SIGN #7: Playing the Victim

What it looks like:
When confronted about their behavior, they immediately position themselves as the one being attacked.

What they say:

"I can't do anything right!"
"You always think the worst of me!"
"Why are you always attacking me?"

Why it's passive-aggressive:
Deflects responsibility and makes you the bad guy for noticing their behavior.

SIGN #8: Withholding Affection or Sex

What it looks like:
Pulling away physically and emotionally as punishment, without discussing what's wrong.

Why it's passive-aggressive:
Using intimacy as a weapon to punish you indirectly.

SIGN #9: The Martyr Complex

What it sounds like:

Heavy sighs while doing things
"No, it's fine, I'll do everything myself"
Making sure you see how much they're sacrificing

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They want you to feel guilty without directly saying they're resentful.

SIGN #10: Sulking and Pouting

What it looks like:
Visible moping, sullen behavior, creating an atmosphere of tension without explaining why.

Why it's passive-aggressive:
They want you to notice they're upset and chase them for information, giving them control.

If your partner does several of these regularly:

You're dealing with passive-aggressive behavior.

And it needs to stop.

Why People Are Passive-Aggressive

Understanding the "why" helps you figure out if this is fixable.

REASON #1: They Never Learned How to Express Anger Directly

What happened:
Growing up, direct expression of anger was punished, shamed, or dangerous.

What they learned:
"Anger is bad. I can't express it directly. But I still feel it, so I'll express it sideways."

Is this fixable?
Yes—if they're willing to learn direct communication through therapy

REASON #2: They Fear Conflict

What's happening:
They're terrified of confrontation, so they avoid it through indirect hostility.

Why they do it:
Direct conflict feels overwhelming or scary. Passive-aggression lets them express anger without open conflict.

Is this fixable?
Maybe—requires therapy to address fear of conflict

REASON #3: They Feel Powerless

What's happening:
They feel they can't express needs or anger directly, so passive-aggression is how they reclaim power and control.

Why they do it:
It's the only way they know to fight back or assert themselves.

Is this fixable?
Potentially—if they're willing to learn assertiveness skills

REASON #4: They're Manipulative

What's happening:
They enjoy the power dynamic of making you chase them, guess what's wrong, and beg for communication.

Why they do it:
Control. They like keeping you off-balance and making you work for their approval.

Is this fixable?
Rarely—this is a personality trait, not just poor communication skills

REASON #5: They're Avoiding Responsibility

What's happening:
If they don't directly refuse or directly express anger, they can't be held accountable.

Why they do it:
Plausible deniability. "I didn't say no!" "I'm not angry!" "You're imagining things!"

Is this fixable?
Only if they're willing to take accountability, which they're actively avoiding

REASON #6: It's Worked for Them

What's happening:
Their passive-aggressive behavior gets them what they want—you chasing them, you apologizing, you doing what they want to end the punishment.

Why they do it:
Why change a strategy that works?

Is this fixable?
Only if you stop rewarding the behavior

The "why" matters because:

Some passive-aggressive people genuinely don't know how to communicate better and would change if taught.

Others know exactly what they're doing and won't change because the manipulation serves them.

You need to figure out which one you're dealing with.

According to research from Psychology Today, passive-aggressive behavior is often rooted in childhood experiences where direct expression of negative emotions was not allowed or was met with punishment, leading to indirect expression patterns that persist into adulthood.

The Damage Passive-Aggressive Behavior Does

This isn't harmless. Here's what it does to you.

DAMAGE #1: You Question Your Own Sanity

What happens:
They deny being angry while clearly punishing you. You start doubting your perceptions.

You think:

"Am I imagining this?"
"Maybe I'm too sensitive"
"Am I paranoid?"
"They said they're fine, so maybe I'm crazy"

The result:
You lose trust in your own judgment. This is gaslighting.

DAMAGE #2: You Can't Resolve Issues

What happens:
They won't admit they're upset, so you can't address the actual problem.

The result:
Problems never get solved. Resentment builds on both sides. The relationship deteriorates.

DAMAGE #3: You're Always Walking on Eggshells

What happens:
You never know what will trigger the silent treatment or passive-aggressive punishment.

You become:
Hypervigilant, anxious, constantly scanning for signs they're upset, editing your behavior to avoid their anger.

The result:
You lose yourself trying to avoid their passive-aggressive episodes.

DAMAGE #4: You Feel Controlled

What happens:
Their passive-aggressive behavior trains you to comply with their wants to avoid punishment.

You realize:
You're being manipulated. They're controlling you through withdrawal and indirect hostility.

The result:
You feel trapped and resentful.

DAMAGE #5: Intimacy Dies

What happens:
You can't be emotionally intimate with someone who won't communicate honestly.

The result:
You feel lonely, disconnected, like you're living with a roommate who resents you, not a partner.

DAMAGE #6: Your Mental Health Suffers

What happens:
Constant gaslighting, manipulation, and anxiety take a toll.

You develop:

Anxiety (about their moods, about saying the wrong thing)
Depression (from disconnection and feeling trapped)
Self-doubt (questioning your perceptions constantly)

The result:
Your mental health deteriorates significantly.

DAMAGE #7: You Become the "Bad Guy"

What happens:
When you react to their passive-aggressive behavior, they frame you as the problem.

You're portrayed as:
Too sensitive, dramatic, attacking them, starting fights over nothing.

The result:
You internalize this and believe you're the problem.

This is serious psychological damage.

Passive-aggressive behavior is emotional abuse.

It's not a quirky personality trait.

It's harmful.

How to Address Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Here's what to do if you want to try to fix this.

STEP 1: Name It Directly

When it happens, call it out:

They're giving you the silent treatment:
"You're giving me the silent treatment. That's passive-aggressive. If you're upset, tell me directly so we can talk about it."

They say "I'm fine" while clearly angry:
"You say you're fine, but your tone and body language say otherwise. That's passive-aggressive. If something's wrong, I need you to tell me directly."

They make a sarcastic dig:
"That was sarcastic and hostile. If you have something to say to me, say it directly, not through sarcasm."

Don't let them deny it. Name it.

STEP 2: Don't Chase

When they give you the cold shoulder or say "nothing's wrong":

Don't:

Beg them to talk
Keep asking what's wrong
Try to guess what you did
Apologize for something you're not sure of

Do:
"I've asked if something's wrong. You said no. I'm going to take you at your word and give you space. When you're ready to talk directly, I'm here."

Then walk away.

Stop rewarding the passive-aggressive behavior with your attention.

STEP 3: Set Clear Boundaries

Have this conversation when you're NOT in the middle of an incident:

"I need to talk to you about a pattern I've noticed. When you're upset, instead of telling me directly, you [specific passive-aggressive behaviors]. This is passive-aggressive communication, and it's damaging our relationship.

I need you to communicate directly with me going forward. If you're angry, tell me. If something bothers you, say it. If you need something, ask for it.

I won't engage with passive-aggressive behavior anymore. If you won't tell me directly what's wrong, I'll assume everything is fine and move forward accordingly."

STEP 4: Follow Through

When they're passive-aggressive again:

Don't engage with the manipulation.

They sulk and pout:
"I can see you're upset. When you're ready to talk about it directly, let me know." Then go about your day.

They "forget" something important:
"I notice this is the third time you've forgotten something I asked for. That feels passive-aggressive. Going forward, if you don't want to do something, tell me no directly instead of 'forgetting.'"

You're not being mean. You're refusing to participate in the dysfunction.

STEP 5: Require Couples Therapy

If the pattern continues:

"I've asked you multiple times to communicate directly instead of passive-aggressively, and the behavior continues. We need couples therapy to address this pattern. If you're not willing to work on this with professional help, I need to reconsider whether this relationship is healthy for me."

STEP 6: Decide Your Bottom Line

If they:

Refuse to acknowledge the behavior
Refuse therapy
Continue the pattern despite your boundaries
Gaslight you about the passive-aggression
Make no effort to change

Then you have a decision:

Can you live with this forever? Or is this a dealbreaker?

Most people can't live with it long-term.

And you shouldn't have to.

Many women find that when they understand what men secretly crave in a relationship, they can see whether passive-aggressive behavior stems from poor communication skills or deliberate manipulation. This insight—something most women never hear—helps you determine if the pattern can change or if you're dealing with something deeper.

Scripts for Responding to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Let's practice in-the-moment responses.

SCENARIO 1: The Silent Treatment

They're clearly angry but won't talk:

Your response:
"I can tell you're upset about something. I've asked if you want to talk about it. You said no. I'm going to respect that and give you space. When you're ready to discuss this directly, I'm available."

Then disengage. Go do something else.

SCENARIO 2: "I'm Fine" (When They're Not)

They say they're fine while giving you the cold shoulder:

Your response:
"You say you're fine, but your behavior suggests otherwise. If something's bothering you, I need you to tell me directly. Otherwise, I'm going to take you at your word that everything's fine."

Then proceed as if everything is fine. Don't chase.

SCENARIO 3: Sarcastic Digs

They make a sarcastic, hostile comment:

Your response:
"That sounded hostile. If you have something you want to say to me, say it directly without the sarcasm. I don't respond to passive-aggressive communication."

If they say "I was just joking":
"It didn't feel like a joke. It felt mean. If you're upset with me, use your words."

SCENARIO 4: "Forgetting" Important Things

They "forgot" something important again:

Your response:
"This is the [third/fourth] time you've 'forgotten' something that matters to me. It feels less like forgetting and more like passive-aggressive avoidance. If you don't want to do something, tell me directly. Don't agree and then 'forget.'"

SCENARIO 5: Playing the Victim

You confront their behavior and they immediately play victim:

They say: "I can't do anything right with you!"

Your response:
"This isn't about you being wrong or right. This is about you communicating indirectly through passive-aggressive behavior instead of telling me directly what's bothering you. I need direct communication."

SCENARIO 6: Sabotage

They agreed to plans then "accidentally" scheduled something else:

Your response:
"You agreed to these plans and then scheduled something else without discussing it with me. That feels passive-aggressive—like you're saying no through your actions instead of your words. If you don't want to do something, tell me directly so we can discuss it."

Notice the pattern:

You're:

Naming the behavior
Refusing to engage with the manipulation
Requiring direct communication
Not chasing or begging

For couples dealing with communication patterns that undermine intimacy, Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Building a Lasting Love provides frameworks for transforming passive-aggressive patterns into direct, healthy communication that builds trust rather than destroying it.

When to Walk Away

Sometimes it can't be fixed.

Leave if:

🚩 They refuse to acknowledge they're being passive-aggressive
"I'm not doing that. You're too sensitive."

🚩 They gaslight you about the behavior
"That didn't happen. You're imagining things."

🚩 They refuse couples therapy
"We don't need therapy. You just need to stop overreacting."

🚩 The behavior is getting worse, not better
More frequent, more extreme, more damaging.

🚩 They enjoy the power dynamic
You can tell they get satisfaction from keeping you off-balance and making you chase them.

🚩 You've set boundaries and nothing changes
You've named it, set limits, and they continue unchanged.

🚩 Your mental health is suffering significantly
Anxiety, depression, losing sense of self.

🚩 Other abuse is present
Passive-aggression combined with other forms of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse.

🚩 They blame you for their passive-aggression
"I wouldn't have to act this way if you weren't so [demanding/sensitive/whatever]."

The hard truth:

Most people who are chronically passive-aggressive don't change.

Why?

Because the behavior serves them. It gives them control without accountability. It lets them express hostility without owning it.

And if it's working for them, why would they change?

They won't.

Unless the consequence of not changing is losing the relationship.

And even then, many choose the behavior over the relationship.

You deserve:

Direct communication
Honesty about feelings
A partner who doesn't punish you indirectly
Emotional safety
Someone who takes accountability

If your partner can't provide that:

The relationship isn't viable.

If you've been dealing with passive-aggressive behavior for months or years and nothing changes, understanding why some men pull away—and what makes them come back stronger can help you see whether withdrawal is about his emotional wiring or about avoiding responsibility. This surprising insight helps you decide your next step.

If YOU'RE the Passive-Aggressive One

What if you recognize yourself in this article?

Signs you might be passive-aggressive:

You have trouble expressing anger directly
You say "I'm fine" when you're not
You withdraw when upset instead of talking
You make sarcastic digs
You "forget" things when you're resentful
You agree to things then don't follow through
You feel uncomfortable with direct confrontation

Why this matters:

Passive-aggression will destroy your relationships.

Your partner can't fix problems you won't acknowledge.

Your partner can't meet needs you won't express.

Your partner will eventually leave if you can't communicate directly.

What to do:

1. Get individual therapy
Learn where this pattern came from and how to express feelings directly.

2. Practice direct communication
When you're upset: "I'm upset about [thing] because [reason]."
Not: Silent treatment or "I'm fine."

3. Take responsibility
"I've been passive-aggressive because I didn't know how to express anger directly. I'm working on that."

4. Ask for patience
"I'm learning to communicate better. Bear with me as I practice."

5. Actually change
Not just promise to change. Actually do the work.

You can unlearn this pattern.

But only if you acknowledge it and commit to changing.

Your Turn: Have You Dealt with Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Are you dealing with a passive-aggressive partner? Or have you recognized passive-aggressive patterns in yourself? What's worked? What hasn't? Share your experience in the comments!

The Bottom Line

Passive-aggressive behavior is indirect expression of anger and resentment.

It's toxic, manipulative, and damaging.

What it looks like:

Silent treatment
"I'm fine" when clearly not
Sarcasm and backhanded compliments
"Forgetting" important things
Procrastination as punishment
Sabotage
Playing the victim
Withholding affection
Sulking and pouting

Why people do it:

Never learned direct communication
Fear conflict
Feel powerless
Are manipulative
Avoid responsibility
It works for them

The damage it does:

Makes you question your sanity
Prevents issue resolution
Creates eggshell-walking anxiety
Feels controlling
Kills intimacy
Damages mental health
Makes you the "bad guy"

How to address it:

Name it directly when it happens
Don't chase or beg for communication
Set clear boundaries
Follow through (don't engage with manipulation)
Require couples therapy
Decide your bottom line

When to leave:

They refuse to acknowledge it
They gaslight you about it
They refuse therapy
Behavior worsens
They enjoy the power
Nothing changes despite boundaries
Your mental health suffering

You deserve direct communication.

You deserve honesty.

You deserve a partner who doesn't punish you indirectly.

If they won't communicate like an adult:

They're not capable of an adult relationship.

Stop accepting passive-aggressive behavior.

Require direct communication.

Or leave.

Those are your only options.

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