Does your partner control all the money, make you ask for cash, or sabotage your job? Learn the signs of financial abuse, why it's domestic violence, and how to protect yourself and escape safely.
⚠️ Important Relationship Advice Disclaimer: This content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered professional relationship counseling, therapy, or mental health advice. Relationship dynamics are highly individual and complex, involving unique personal histories, attachment patterns, mental health considerations, and interpersonal dynamics that require personalized professional guidance. The information provided here does not constitute professional counseling or therapy and should not be relied upon as a substitute for qualified mental health care. If you are experiencing relationship distress, mental health challenges, patterns of unhealthy relationships, or emotional difficulties, please consult with a licensed therapist, relationship counselor, or mental health professional who can provide personalized support tailored to your specific situation. Every relationship situation is unique and may require specialized professional intervention. The strategies discussed here are general in nature and may not be appropriate for all situations, particularly those involving abuse, manipulation, or mental health crises.
⚠️ SAFETY WARNING: If you are experiencing financial abuse, your safety is the priority. Financial abuse often escalates to physical violence. If you're in immediate danger, call 911. For confidential support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788. This article contains information about recognizing and escaping financial abuse, but it is not a substitute for working with domestic violence professionals who can create a personalized safety plan.
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Quick Answer:
Financial abuse is when someone uses money as a weapon to control, manipulate, or trap you. It includes: controlling all finances so you have no access to money, making you ask permission to spend anything, sabotaging your employment, hiding assets, forcing you to work and taking your paychecks, running up debt in your name, or using money to isolate you from family and support systems. Financial abuse is domestic violence—99% of domestic violence cases involve financial abuse according to experts. It's designed to make you financially dependent so you can't leave. You don't need physical violence for it to be abuse. If you're experiencing this: document everything, open a secret bank account if safe to do so, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for a safety plan, connect with domestic violence organizations that offer financial assistance, and know that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time—get professional help to leave safely.
What You're Experiencing Isn't Normal
You know something's wrong, but you can't quite name it.
Maybe it looks like this:
- You have to ask permission to buy groceries
- They control all bank accounts and you have no access
- You have no idea how much money you have
- They give you an "allowance" and make you account for every penny
- You're not allowed to work, or they sabotage your job
- They hide bills and financial information from you
- You can't buy anything without them knowing
- They threaten to leave you homeless if you don't comply
- They took out credit cards in your name without telling you
- Your paycheck goes to them and you never see it
You might be thinking:
- "They're just better with money than I am"
- "They're protecting us from my bad financial decisions"
- "I'm too stupid to handle money anyway"
- "It's their money, they earned it"
- "At least they're not hitting me"
- "Maybe I'm overreacting"
Here's what you need to hear:
This is abuse.
It's called financial abuse, and it's a form of domestic violence.
And it's not your fault.
What Financial Abuse Actually Is
Let's define this clearly.
Financial Abuse = Using Money as a Tool for Power and Control
According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic violence cases. It's one of the most powerful tools abusers use to trap victims.
Financial abuse involves:
- Controlling how money is spent
- Withholding financial resources
- Hiding or stealing money
- Sabotaging employment or education
- Exploiting financial resources
- Using financial control to make you dependent
- Preventing financial independence
- Using money to isolate you from support systems
The goal: Make you financially dependent so you can't leave.
Financial Abuse Is Domestic Violence
You don't need physical violence for it to be abuse.
Financial abuse is:
- Psychological abuse
- Economic exploitation
- Coercive control
- Domestic violence
It destroys:
- Your autonomy
- Your self-worth
- Your ability to leave
- Your financial future
- Your safety
If someone is using money to control you, that is abuse.
Period.
The Signs: What Financial Abuse Looks Like
Let's get specific. Check off what applies to your situation:
CONTROL OF MONEY
❌ They control all bank accounts and you have no access
❌ You're not on any joint accounts
❌ They won't tell you how much money you have
❌ They hide financial information from you
❌ You can't access money without asking them
❌ They give you an "allowance" and monitor every purchase
❌ They make you return things you bought
❌ You have to ask permission to buy necessities
❌ They won't let you have your own bank account
❌ They took your name off joint accounts
EMPLOYMENT SABOTAGE
❌ They prevent you from working
❌ They sabotage your job (make you late, call constantly, show up at work)
❌ They force you to quit your job
❌ They forbid you from going to school or training
❌ They belittle your career or education
❌ They make it impossible to keep employment
❌ They steal or destroy your work materials
EXPLOITATION
❌ They force you to work and take your paycheck
❌ They open credit cards in your name without permission
❌ They run up debt in your name
❌ They forge your signature on financial documents
❌ They steal money from you
❌ They sell your belongings without asking
❌ They use your credit without permission
❌ They refuse to work while forcing you to support them
MANIPULATION AND THREATS
❌ They threaten to leave you homeless if you don't obey
❌ They threaten to cut you off financially
❌ They use money to punish you
❌ They withhold money for basic needs
❌ They make you beg for money
❌ They say "my money, my rules"
❌ They threaten to ruin your credit
❌ They threaten to hide money in divorce
FORCED DEPENDENCE
❌ They deliberately keep you financially dependent
❌ They discourage you from being financially independent
❌ They make you feel stupid about money
❌ They refuse to let you learn about finances
❌ They make all financial decisions without input
❌ They say you're "too dumb" to handle money
❌ They create situations where you need them financially
ISOLATION
❌ They won't let you have money to see friends or family
❌ They control transportation so you can't leave
❌ They monitor all spending to track your movements
❌ They won't give you money for phone or communication
❌ They move you away from support systems
❌ They prevent you from having independent resources
If you checked even a few of these, you're experiencing financial abuse.
Why Financial Abusers Do This
Understanding the abuser's mindset helps you see this isn't about you.
Reason #1: Power and Control
The core of all abuse:
It's about having power over another person. Money is one of the most effective tools for control.
What they think:
"If they can't leave financially, they can't leave me."
Reason #2: To Trap You
The strategy:
Make you so financially dependent that leaving feels impossible.
What they're doing:
- Destroying your credit
- Preventing employment
- Taking your money
- Creating debt you're responsible for
- Making you feel you can't survive without them
Reason #3: To Maintain Dominance
The belief:
They're entitled to control you. They should make all decisions. You're inferior.
How it shows:
- Treating you like a child who needs permission
- Making unilateral decisions
- Refusing to respect your autonomy
- Believing their money = their power over you
Reason #4: Insecurity and Fear
The fear:
If you have financial independence, you might leave them.
Their response:
Control your finances to keep you trapped.
The Bottom Line:
Financial abuse is deliberate.
It's not that they're "bad with boundaries" or "just trying to help."
They're using money to control you.
The Devastating Impact
Financial abuse destroys more than just your bank account.
Immediate Effects:
Loss of autonomy:
You can't make basic decisions about your life.
Constant stress:
Living in survival mode, never knowing if you'll have access to money.
Isolation:
No money to maintain relationships or get help.
Feeling trapped:
Unable to leave even if you want to.
Shame and humiliation:
Having to beg for basic necessities.
Long-Term Consequences:
Destroyed credit:
Debt in your name, missed payments, collections, bankruptcy.
Career damage:
Gaps in employment, lost opportunities, sabotaged advancement.
Poverty:
Even after leaving, financial recovery takes years.
Trauma:
PTSD, anxiety, depression from prolonged abuse.
Distrust of relationships:
Difficulty trusting future partners around money.
Financial illiteracy:
Never learning money management due to being controlled.
Why It's So Effective:
Financial abuse works because:
Our society requires money to survive. Without financial resources:
- You can't leave
- You can't get safe housing
- You can't hire a lawyer
- You can't support yourself or kids
- You're completely vulnerable
Financial abusers know this.
That's why they do it.
What to Do If You're Experiencing Financial Abuse
Your safety is the priority. Here's how to protect yourself:
STEP 1: Recognize This Is Abuse
Stop making excuses for them:
- "They're just protective"
- "They know better about money than I do"
- "At least they're not hitting me"
Accept the reality:
This is abuse. It's not your fault. You don't deserve this.
STEP 2: Document Everything
Keep records of:
- Account statements (if you can access them)
- Bills and debts
- Financial abuse incidents (dates, what happened)
- Text messages about money
- Threats they've made
- Things they've bought in your name
- Times they've sabotaged your work
Store documentation:
- Email to yourself at secret email address
- Cloud storage they don't know about
- With trusted friend or family
- With domestic violence advocate
Why this matters:
Evidence for divorce, restraining orders, criminal charges, and recovering financially.
STEP 3: Get Professional Help
Contact:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
Text "START" to 88788
www.thehotline.org
24/7 confidential support, safety planning, resource referrals
Local Domestic Violence Organization
- Safety planning
- Emergency shelter
- Legal advocacy
- Financial empowerment programs
- Counseling
Financial empowerment organizations:
- Some domestic violence orgs have financial advocates
- Help building credit, budgeting, financial planning
- Assistance accessing benefits and resources
STEP 4: Create a Safety Plan
Work with DV advocate to plan:
- How you'll leave safely
- Where you'll go
- How you'll access money
- How you'll protect your finances
- Legal steps you need to take
- How to protect your credit
IMPORTANT:
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. Don't just leave without a plan. Get professional help.
STEP 5: Take Financial Protection Steps (When Safe)
Only do these if it won't endanger you:
Open secret bank account:
- At different bank they don't use
- Paperless statements only
- Use trusted friend's address
- Don't access from home computer
Set up secret email:
- They don't know about
- Access only from safe locations
- For financial documents and resources
Freeze your credit:
- Prevents them opening accounts in your name
- Contact all three credit bureaus
- Free to freeze and unfreeze
Check credit report:
- AnnualCreditReport.com (official free site)
- Look for accounts you didn't open
- Report fraud to credit bureaus
Document assets:
- Photograph valuables
- Screenshot account balances
- Copy financial documents
- Evidence of what exists
Build escape fund:
- Hide small amounts of cash if possible
- Gift cards they can't track
- Items you can sell later
- With trusted person if safer
STEP 6: Know Your Rights
Legally:
- You have right to access marital funds (if married)
- You're not responsible for debt in their name only (if not married)
- Forging your signature is fraud (criminal)
- Identity theft can be reported to police
- Coercive control is illegal in some jurisdictions
- You may be entitled to spousal support
Consult with:
- Domestic violence legal advocate
- Family law attorney (some offer free consultations)
- Legal aid if you qualify
For survivors of financial abuse looking to rebuild their lives and relationships with money after escaping, Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Building a Lasting Love includes sections on building healthy partnerships based on equality and respect—essential foundations after experiencing abuse.
Leaving Safely: Financial Steps
When you're ready to leave (with professional support), here's how to protect yourself financially:
BEFORE You Leave:
Gather documents:
- Birth certificates, Social Security cards
- Marriage certificate
- Financial records (bank statements, tax returns)
- Property deeds, vehicle titles
- Insurance policies
- Passport and driver's license
- Children's records
Secure money if possible:
- Withdraw from joint accounts (consult lawyer first)
- Cash checks they don't know about
- Sell items for cash
- Have trusted person hold money for you
Protect your future finances:
- Alert bank you're leaving abusive situation
- Set up new accounts they can't access
- Change passwords (from safe location)
- Remove them as authorized user on your accounts
IMMEDIATELY After Leaving:
Separate finances:
- Remove them from joint accounts (with legal guidance)
- Cancel joint credit cards
- Close joint accounts if possible
- Stop automatic payments to their accounts
Change everything:
- All passwords
- Security questions
- PINs
- Email and phone numbers
- Mailing address (use P.O. box or trusted person)
Protect your credit:
- Freeze credit
- Set up fraud alerts
- Monitor credit reports
- Dispute fraudulent accounts
Legal protection:
- File for restraining order
- Include financial provisions in order
- File police report for fraud/theft if applicable
- File for divorce (with financial protections)
ONGOING:
Rebuild:
- Work with financial empowerment program
- Build new credit if necessary
- Create budget for independent life
- Apply for benefits you qualify for
- Work toward financial stability
Protect yourself:
- Keep all documentation of abuse
- Don't share financial info with mutual friends
- Use cash when possible (harder to track)
- Be careful about digital footprint
CRITICAL:
Work with domestic violence advocates throughout this process. They know how to do this safely.
Financial Recovery After Abuse
Life after financial abuse is challenging but possible.
The Reality:
You may be facing:
- Damaged credit
- Debt you didn't create but are responsible for
- No employment history due to sabotage
- No savings
- Legal costs
- Starting over with nothing
This is hard. Really hard.
But thousands of survivors have rebuilt. You can too.
Resources for Financial Recovery:
Domestic violence organizations:
- Financial empowerment programs
- Emergency financial assistance
- Help with housing deposits
- Transportation assistance
- Job training and placement
Government benefits:
- TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families)
- SNAP (food stamps)
- Medicaid
- Housing assistance
- Childcare assistance
- Social Security (if applicable)
Legal help:
- Legal aid for divorce
- Victim compensation funds
- Help expunging debt from abuse
- Bankruptcy if necessary
Financial education:
- Free financial literacy classes
- Credit counseling (from reputable nonprofits)
- Budgeting assistance
- Bank accounts for survivors
Steps to Rebuild:
Month 1-3: Stabilize
- Secure safe housing
- Access benefits you qualify for
- Get emergency financial assistance
- Address immediate needs
Month 4-6: Assess
- Pull credit reports
- Document all debt and assets
- Consult with financial advocate
- Create plan for addressing debt
Month 7-12: Rebuild
- Start rebuilding credit if necessary
- Work toward employment if not working
- Begin saving even small amounts
- Establish new financial identity
Year 2+: Thrive
- Build emergency fund
- Pay down debt systematically
- Increase income when possible
- Build financial security and independence
Timeline varies for everyone. Give yourself grace.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, financial abuse impacts survivors for an average of 7 years after leaving. But with support and resources, financial independence is absolutely achievable.
For Friends and Family: How to Help
If someone you love is experiencing financial abuse:
DO:
✅ Believe them
Financial abuse is real and devastating.
✅ Listen without judgment
Don't ask "why don't you just leave?"
✅ Offer specific help
"Can I hold money for you?" "Can you use my address for mail?"
✅ Provide resources
Share domestic violence hotline info.
✅ Support their decisions
Even if they're not ready to leave.
✅ Stay connected
Abusers isolate victims. Keep reaching out.
✅ Offer financial help if you can
Money for lawyer, housing deposit, emergency fund.
DON'T:
❌ Judge them for staying
Leaving is complex and dangerous.
❌ Give them ultimatums
"If you don't leave, I can't help you."
❌ Confront the abuser
This can put victim in more danger.
❌ Take control of their finances "for them"
They need autonomy, not another controller.
❌ Share information abuser could use
Don't tell abuser anything victim shared with you.
❌ Disappear when they go back
Victims often leave multiple times before staying gone.
Your support could literally save their life.
Your Turn: Share Resources, Not Stories
This is a sensitive topic. If you're comfortable, please share resources that helped you or someone you know escape financial abuse. If you're currently experiencing this, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You deserve support and safety.
Critical Resources:
If you're experiencing financial abuse, please reach out for help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 | Text "START" to 88788
www.thehotline.org
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
www.ncadv.org
National Network to End Domestic Violence
www.nnedv.org
For more resources on building healthy, equal partnerships: Browse New & Bestselling Books: The Community Bookshelf for expert-recommended titles on recognizing abuse, healing from trauma, and creating relationships based on respect.
The Bottom Line
Financial abuse is domestic violence.
It's not about money—it's about power and control.
You are not:
- Stupid
- Overreacting
- Being dramatic
- At fault
- Crazy
You are:
- Being abused
- Deserving of safety
- Capable of leaving
- Worthy of respect
- Able to rebuild
Financial abuse is designed to trap you.
But you can escape.
You can rebuild.
You can survive this.
If you're experiencing financial abuse:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
You don't have to do this alone.
Help exists.
You deserve financial freedom.
You deserve safety.
You deserve a life where no one controls you with money.
Financial abuse thrives in silence and shame.
By recognizing it and naming it, you take the first step toward freedom.
You are stronger than you know.
And you are not alone.
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