My Partner's Ex Is Ruining Our Relationship

Is your partner's ex constantly interfering, creating drama, or manipulating situations? Learn how to set boundaries with a toxic ex, when your partner needs to step up, and when the situation becomes a deal-breaker.

⚠️ Important Relationship Advice Disclaimer: This content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered professional relationship counseling, therapy, or mental health advice. Relationship dynamics are highly individual and complex, involving unique personal histories, attachment patterns, mental health considerations, and interpersonal dynamics that require personalized professional guidance. The information provided here does not constitute professional counseling or therapy and should not be relied upon as a substitute for qualified mental health care. If you are experiencing relationship distress, mental health challenges, patterns of unhealthy relationships, or emotional difficulties, please consult with a licensed therapist, relationship counselor, or mental health professional who can provide personalized support tailored to your specific situation. Every relationship situation is unique and may require specialized professional intervention. The strategies discussed here are general in nature and may not be appropriate for all situations, particularly those involving abuse, manipulation, or mental health crises.

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Quick Answer:

If your partner's ex is causing problems: The ex isn't your real problem—your partner's failure to set boundaries is. A toxic ex can only ruin your relationship if your partner allows it. If your partner won't establish firm boundaries, communicate only about logistics (especially with kids involved), and protect your relationship from interference, you're not fighting the ex—you're fighting your partner's unwillingness to prioritize you. The ex will always be in the picture if there are children, but they shouldn't be IN your relationship.

The Third Person in Your Relationship

You thought you were in a relationship with one person.

But there's always someone else there.

Your partner's ex is:

Texting at all hours (about things that aren't urgent)
Calling constantly (and your partner always answers)
Creating drama that dominates your conversations
Showing up unannounced
Manipulating situations with the kids
Bad-mouthing you to mutual friends or the children
Using shared history as leverage
Acting like they still have a claim on your partner

And you're losing your mind because:

Your partner won't set boundaries
Every time you bring it up, you're "jealous" or "insecure"
You feel like you're competing with someone who shouldn't even be a factor
The ex's chaos is bleeding into your relationship
You're exhausted from dealing with their drama

Here's what you need to understand:

The ex isn't your problem. Your partner is.

A toxic ex can only ruin your relationship if your partner enables it by:

Failing to set boundaries
Prioritizing the ex's feelings over yours
Allowing inappropriate contact
Not standing up for you

Let's figure out what's actually happening and what you can do about it.

What "The Ex Is Ruining Our Relationship" Actually Looks Like

Let's get specific about the behaviors you're dealing with:

Type #1: The "Emergency" Caller

What they do:

Text/call constantly about "urgent" matters that aren't urgent
Every minor issue is presented as a crisis
Always need something RIGHT NOW
Create emergencies to get your partner's attention

How it affects you: Your partner is always dropping everything to deal with their ex's "emergency," even when you're on dates, during important moments, or when you need them.

The real issue: Your partner hasn't established communication boundaries or isn't enforcing "emergencies only" contact.

Type #2: The Jealous Saboteur

What they do:

Deliberately schedule things during your time together
Bad-mouth you to the kids, mutual friends, or your partner
Try to make your partner feel guilty for being happy
Flirt with your partner or reminisce about "the good times"
Show up looking amazing during custody exchanges

How it affects you: You feel like you're in competition with someone who shouldn't matter. Your partner is comparing you (consciously or not) to the ex.

The real issue: Your partner is entertaining the comparison or not shutting down inappropriate behavior.

Type #3: The Control Freak

What they do:

Try to control your partner's schedule beyond custody arrangements
Make demands about your relationship (don't move in, don't meet the kids, etc.)
Use the kids as pawns to manipulate situations
Want to know everything about your relationship
Insist on being friends or involved in your partner's life beyond co-parenting

How it affects you: You feel like the ex has veto power over your relationship decisions. You can't move forward because they're controlling the pace.

The real issue: Your partner is giving the ex authority they shouldn't have.

Type #4: The "Still in Love" Ex

What they do:

Openly want your partner back
Profess feelings or try to win them back
Suggest "trying again" or that they made a mistake
Act like they're still together
Get upset when your partner dates (you)

How it affects you: You feel like your relationship is temporary. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop—will your partner go back?

The real issue: Your partner hasn't definitively closed that door or made it clear to the ex that it's over.

Type #5: The "We're Co-Parents So We're Best Friends" Ex

What they do:

Want to spend holidays together "for the kids"
Expect to be invited to family events
Overshare about their life with your partner
Treat your partner as their emotional support
Blur the lines between co-parenting and friendship

How it affects you: You feel like an outsider in a family system that doesn't include you. The ex has an intimacy with your partner that you don't.

The real issue: Your partner hasn't differentiated between appropriate co-parenting and an enmeshed relationship with their ex.

The Real Question: Is Your Partner the Problem?

Let's get brutally honest. Answer these questions:

Question #1: Does Your Partner Set Boundaries with Their Ex?

Green flags:

Limits contact to logistics only (when kids involved)
Doesn't engage with drama
Ignores non-emergency texts/calls
Has clear rules about communication

Red flags:

Always available to the ex
Lengthy conversations about non-kid topics
Responds immediately to every text
Prioritizes ex's needs over yours

Question #2: Does Your Partner Defend You?

Green flags:

Shuts down bad-mouthing immediately
Makes it clear you're a priority
Stands up for you when ex crosses lines
Protects your relationship

Red flags:

Lets ex disrespect you without consequences
Apologizes for you to the ex
Hides your relationship from the ex
Won't stand up to the ex when they're inappropriate

Question #3: Is Your Partner Actually Over Their Ex?

Green flags:

Talks about the ex neutrally or negatively
No nostalgia for the relationship
Clear about why it ended
Moved on emotionally

Red flags:

Defensive when you bring up the ex
Compares you to the ex
Still emotional about the breakup
Engages with ex beyond necessity

Question #4: Does Your Partner Prioritize Your Relationship?

Green flags:

You come first (except for the kids' needs)
Doesn't cancel plans for ex's convenience
Makes decisions with you, not ex
Building a life with you

Red flags:

Everything revolves around ex's schedule/needs
You're always secondary
Ex has veto power over your relationship
You feel like you're dating both of them

If you're seeing mostly red flags, the ex isn't your problem. Your partner is.

What Your Partner Needs to Do (The Non-Negotiables)

If this situation is going to improve, your partner MUST:

Non-Negotiable #1: Establish Clear Communication Boundaries

What this looks like:

If there are kids:

Communication about kids only
Use a co-parenting app (OurFamilyWizard, Talking Parents, etc.)
No calls unless genuine emergency
Custody exchanges in public places or curbside
Keep interactions brief and businesslike

If there are NO kids:

No contact except to finalize shared assets/logistics
Block after those are resolved
No "staying friends"
No following on social media

Non-Negotiable #2: Shut Down Inappropriate Behavior Immediately

Your partner should say:

To flirting or reminiscing: "That's not appropriate. Keep communication about the kids only."

To drama or personal issues: "That's not my concern anymore. Please only contact me about [kids/logistics]."

To bad-mouthing you: "Do not speak about my partner that way. If you can't be respectful, we'll communicate through [app/lawyer]."

To excessive contact: "I'll respond to messages about the kids within 24 hours. Non-emergencies don't require immediate response."

Non-Negotiable #3: Protect Your Relationship

What this means:

Your dates and time together are sacred (barring kid emergencies)
The ex doesn't get to dictate your relationship timeline
You're included in appropriate kid-related decisions
Your partner validates your concerns instead of defending the ex

Non-Negotiable #4: Get Legal/Professional Help If Needed

When to involve professionals:

Ex violates custody agreement
Ex is harassing you or your partner
Ex is alienating kids from your partner
Co-parenting is impossible due to ex's behavior

Options:

Family law attorney to modify custody/communication
Mediator for co-parenting issues
Therapist to work through ex-related stress
Restraining order if harassment/abuse

How to Talk to Your Partner About This

If your partner isn't setting boundaries, you need to address it:

The Script:

"I need to talk to you about your ex and how it's affecting our relationship."

"I'm not asking you to cut them out—I understand they're the parent of your children. But I need you to set boundaries that protect our relationship."

"Here's what I'm struggling with: [specific examples of inappropriate behavior]. When this happens, I feel [disrespected/like I'm competing/like you're not prioritizing us]."

"What I need from you is: [specific boundaries—e.g., 'Only respond to kid-related texts,' 'Don't take calls during our time together unless it's an emergency,' 'Stand up for me when they bad-mouth me']."

"Can you commit to doing that? Because if things continue as they are, I can't stay in this relationship."

Their Response Will Tell You Everything:

Green flag responses:

"You're right. I haven't been setting good boundaries. I'll work on that."
"I didn't realize it was affecting you this much. Let's figure out a plan."
"What specific boundaries do you need me to set?"

Red flag responses:

"You're being jealous/insecure."
"I can't help it—I have kids with them."
"They're always going to be in my life, deal with it."
"You're asking me to choose between you and my kids." (No, you're asking them to set boundaries with their EX)

What YOU Can Do (Without Relying on Your Partner)

You have more control than you think:

Strategy #1: Don't Engage with the Ex

What this means:

Don't respond to their messages
Don't defend yourself to them
Don't try to prove yourself or win them over
Don't stalk their social media
Don't engage in drama

Why: They want a reaction. Don't give them one.

Strategy #2: Set Your Own Boundaries

What this looks like:

"I'm not discussing your ex with you unless it's directly affecting me"
"I won't be around during custody exchanges"
"I need you to silence notifications from them during our time together"
"I won't read their texts or hear about their drama"

Strategy #3: Focus on Your Relationship, Not the Ex

What this means:

Stop making the ex the center of your relationship
Build your own life, traditions, and connection
Don't let their chaos dominate your emotional energy
Create a relationship that's so strong their interference doesn't matter

Strategy #4: Document If Necessary

If the ex is:

Harassing you
Violating boundaries
Making false accusations
Using kids inappropriately

Keep records:

Screenshots of messages
Documentation of incidents
Witnesses to behavior
This protects you legally if needed

When to Walk Away

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, this situation isn't fixable:

Deal-Breaker #1: Your Partner Won't Set Boundaries

If you've had multiple conversations and they won't establish boundaries with their ex, they're choosing the ex's comfort over your relationship.

Leave.

Deal-Breaker #2: Your Partner Is Still in Love with Their Ex

If they're emotionally entangled, nostalgic, or not over them—you're the rebound, not the future.

Leave.

Deal-Breaker #3: The Ex Is Abusive and Your Partner Won't Protect You

If the ex is harassing, threatening, or abusing you and your partner minimizes or allows it—you're in danger.

Leave immediately.

Deal-Breaker #4: You're Always Third (After Ex and Kids)

If you're perpetually last priority and your needs never matter—this isn't a partnership.

Leave.

Deal-Breaker #5: Your Mental Health Is Suffering

If the constant drama, stress, and fighting about the ex is destroying your wellbeing—no relationship is worth that.

Leave.

The Bottom Line

Your partner's ex will always be part of the picture if there are children involved.

But they should NEVER be in your relationship.

What's acceptable:

Polite, brief communication about kids
Coordination of custody and schedules
Parallel parenting where ex and your partner operate independently
Presence at kid events (graduations, sports) with appropriate boundaries

What's NOT acceptable:

Constant contact about non-kid topics
Your partner prioritizing ex's feelings over yours
Drama that dominates your relationship
Inappropriate intimacy or enmeshment
Your partner failing to protect you from the ex's behavior

The ex can only ruin your relationship if your partner allows it.

If your partner sets firm boundaries and prioritizes you, a toxic ex becomes background noise—not a relationship-ending force.

But if your partner won't set those boundaries?

Then you're not in a relationship with someone who's ready to move forward.

You're in a relationship with someone who's still entangled with their ex.

And that's not something you can fix.

Choose a partner who:

Is truly over their ex
Sets clear boundaries
Protects your relationship
Makes you the priority
Handles their ex, so you don't have to

Anything less isn't a partnership—it's a triangle.

And you deserve better than that.

Your Turn: Have You Dealt with a Toxic Ex?

Have you been in a relationship where your partner's ex caused problems? How did you handle it? Did your partner set boundaries or did you have to leave? Share your story in the comments—your experience might help someone else navigate this nightmare!

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