Can't tell if your anxiety is valid or if you're overreacting? Learn how to distinguish between anxious attachment triggers and actual relationship red flags.
⚠️ Important Relationship Advice Disclaimer: This content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered professional relationship counseling, therapy, or mental health advice. Relationship dynamics are highly individual and complex, involving unique personal histories, attachment patterns, mental health considerations, and interpersonal dynamics that require personalized professional guidance. The information provided here does not constitute professional counseling or therapy and should not be relied upon as a substitute for qualified mental health care. If you are experiencing relationship distress, mental health challenges, patterns of unhealthy relationships, or emotional difficulties, please consult with a licensed therapist, relationship counselor, or mental health professional who can provide personalized support tailored to your specific situation. Every relationship situation is unique and may require specialized professional intervention. The strategies discussed here are general in nature and may not be appropriate for all situations, particularly those involving abuse, manipulation, or mental health crises.
💡 Affiliate Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. If you click through and make a purchase or sign up for a service, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. This helps support the blog and allows me to continue providing free relationship advice and resources. I only recommend products, services, and resources that I believe will genuinely help you build healthier relationships and improve your romantic life.
Thank you for your support!
They didn't text you back for eight hours. Your brain immediately spirals: They're losing interest. I'm too much. I'm being crazy again. I need to work on my anxious attachment.
But wait—eight hours with no response after they've been consistently texting throughout the day? And this is the third time this week they've gone radio silent? And when you gently mentioned it, they called you "needy"?
Hold on. Is this your anxious attachment... or are they actually being disrespectful?
This is the question that torments people with anxious attachment: Am I overreacting because of my issues, or is my anxiety actually picking up on real problems?
It's the worst kind of gaslighting—the kind you do to yourself. You second-guess every instinct. You dismiss valid concerns as "just your anxiety." You let actually problematic behavior slide because you're terrified of being "that person" who's too sensitive, too needy, too much.
Meanwhile, genuinely shady people exploit this. They know if you have anxious attachment, they can blame YOUR issues for their bad behavior. "You're just being insecure." "You're overreacting." "This is your attachment stuff, not me."
But here's the truth: sometimes your anxiety IS overreacting to normal situations. And sometimes your anxiety is a completely valid response to someone treating you poorly. The trick is learning which is which.
This article will give you a framework to distinguish between anxious attachment triggers and actual red flags, help you trust your instincts again, and show you how to stop accepting bad behavior in the name of "working on yourself."
Quick Answer: Anxious Attachment vs. Asshole Behavior
The Dilemma: You can't tell if your concerns are valid or if you're being overly anxious
Why It's Confusing: Anxious attachment makes you doubt yourself; manipulative people exploit this
The Difference: Anxious attachment = reacting to inconsistency that isn't really there; Dating an asshole = reacting appropriately to actually inconsistent/disrespectful behavior
The Test: Would a securely attached person be bothered by this? Ask trusted friends for reality checks
Red Flags: They dismiss all your concerns as "your anxiety," gaslight you, won't address patterns, get defensive
Your Anxiety: Spiraling over one delayed text when they've been consistent; overanalyzing tone; needing constant reassurance
Their Problem: Hot/cold behavior, breaking promises, making you feel crazy for having needs, showing up inconsistently
Bottom Line: Stop blaming yourself for everything—sometimes the problem really is them
Understanding the Core Difference
Let's get crystal clear on what we're distinguishing.
Anxious Attachment Overreaction:
Your attachment system gets triggered by normal, non-threatening situations because of past experiences.
Example:
They don't text back for two hours. They've been consistently responsive before. They're probably just busy. But your brain creates a catastrophic narrative: They're losing interest. They met someone else. I said something wrong. This is falling apart.
What's happening: You're reacting to perceived abandonment that isn't actually occurring.
Actual Problematic Behavior:
They're behaving in ways that would bother ANY reasonable person, regardless of attachment style.
Example:
They consistently take 8-12 hours to respond despite being active on social media. They make plans and cancel last-minute repeatedly. When you bring it up, they blame you for being "too needy." Their words say they're interested, but their actions show otherwise.
What's happening: You're reacting appropriately to inconsistent, disrespectful behavior.
Why This Gets Confusing:
Your past relationships probably DID have problematic people. So some of your "anxious" patterns developed as appropriate responses to actual bad behavior. Now you can't tell what's past trauma vs. present reality.
Manipulative people gaslight you. They train you to dismiss all your concerns as "just your anxiety" so they never have to be accountable.
You're hypervigilant. Anxious attachment makes you scan constantly for signs of threat, so sometimes you see problems that aren't there. But sometimes you DO accurately detect actual problems.
Society tells people with anxiety they're always wrong. "You're overthinking." "You're being paranoid." This makes you distrust your very valid instincts.
The Decision Tree: Is It You or Them?
Use this framework when you're unsure if your concern is valid.
Question #1: Is Their Behavior Consistent or Inconsistent?
It's probably your anxiety if:
- They've been consistently responsive, attentive, and interested
- One deviation from their pattern triggers intense anxiety
- Their overall behavior shows care and investment
- They follow through on what they say they'll do
It's probably them if:
- Their behavior is erratic—hot one day, cold the next
- You never know which version of them you'll get
- Words and actions consistently don't match
- They make promises they rarely keep
The test: Track their behavior over 2-3 weeks. Is there a reliable pattern of care? Or is it unpredictable?
Question #2: How Do They Respond When You Express Concerns?
It's probably your anxiety if:
- They listen without getting defensive
- They offer reasonable reassurance
- They acknowledge your feelings even if they don't fully understand
- They're willing to make small adjustments to help you feel secure
- You feel heard and validated
It's probably them if:
- They immediately get defensive or angry
- They dismiss your feelings as "crazy" or "too sensitive"
- They turn it around and make YOU apologize for bringing it up
- They refuse to acknowledge any validity in your concerns
- They make you feel bad for having needs
- Nothing changes despite repeated conversations
The test: A good partner might not understand anxious attachment, but they'll try. A bad partner weaponizes it against you.
Question #3: Would a Securely Attached Person Be Bothered?
This is the MOST important question.
It's probably your anxiety if:
Your securely attached friends hear the situation and say: "I think you're reading too much into this" or "That seems like normal relationship stuff."
It's probably them if:
Your securely attached friends hear the situation and say: "Wait, that's not okay" or "I'd be upset about that too" or "That sounds like a red flag."
The test: Describe the specific behavior to 2-3 trusted friends who have healthy relationships. Don't frame it with "I know I have anxious attachment, but..." Just describe what happened. See what they say.
Question #4: Is This a Pattern or an Isolated Incident?
It's probably your anxiety if:
- One delayed text = full panic
- One cancelled plan = convinced they're done with you
- One short reply = analyzing what you did wrong
It's probably them if:
- They've cancelled plans multiple times with weak excuses
- They regularly go days without responding
- They consistently make you feel uncertain about where you stand
- The same issues come up repeatedly despite discussions
The test: One instance of almost anything can be excused. Patterns reveal character.
Question #5: Are They Willing to Work With You?
It's probably your anxiety (that needs your management) if:
- They're consistent but you still feel anxious
- They offer reasonable reassurance but it's never enough
- They've made adjustments but you keep needing more
- Your anxiety persists even when they're doing everything "right"
It's probably them if:
- They won't make any adjustments to help you feel secure
- They refuse to have conversations about your needs
- They're unwilling to offer any reassurance ever
- They tell you to "just get over it"
The test: Reasonable partners meet you halfway. Unreasonable partners expect you to manage everything alone.
Common Scenarios: Your Anxiety or Their Bullshit?
Let's break down specific situations.
Scenario #1: The Delayed Text
Situation: They haven't responded to your text in 5 hours.
Your anxious attachment says: They're losing interest. I said something wrong. They're talking to someone else. I'm being ghosted.
Reality check questions:
- Have they been consistently responsive before this?
- Did they mention being busy today?
- Is 5 hours actually that long in the context of adult life?
- Have you given them a chance to explain?
It's your anxiety if: They've been reliable, they eventually respond with a reasonable explanation, and this isn't a pattern.
It's them if: This happens constantly, they're active on social media during the silence, they've established a pattern of inconsistent communication, and they get defensive when you mention it.
Scenario #2: The Cancelled Plan
Situation: They cancelled plans you made for Friday.
Your anxious attachment says: They don't want to see me. They're making excuses. They're going to fade out.
Reality check questions:
- Did they give a legitimate reason?
- Did they suggest a specific alternative time?
- Is this the first time or is it a pattern?
- How did they handle the cancellation—apologetically or casually?
It's your anxiety if: They had a genuine conflict, they apologized, they immediately rescheduled for a specific time, and they follow through on the new plan.
It's them if: This is the third cancellation this month, they're vague about why, they don't offer alternative plans, and you always have to push for rescheduling.
Scenario #3: The Vague Response About Feelings
Situation: You asked where things are going and they said "Let's just see what happens."
Your anxious attachment says: That means they're not interested. I'm pushing too hard. I'm ruining this by asking.
Reality check questions:
- How long have you been dating?
- Have you had this conversation before?
- Are their actions consistent with interest even if their words are vague?
- How did they say it—dismissively or thoughtfully?
It's your anxiety if: You've been dating for three weeks and it's too early for that conversation. They otherwise show consistent interest and effort.
It's them if: You've been dating for three months and they still won't give you any clarity. They avoid all relationship conversations. Their actions show they want benefits without commitment.
Scenario #4: The "You're Being Needy" Response
Situation: You expressed a need for more communication and they said "You're being needy."
Your anxious attachment says: They're right. I'm too much. I need to work on myself and stop asking for things.
Reality check questions:
- What specifically did you ask for?
- Was it a reasonable request?
- How did you communicate it—demanding or expressing?
- Is this the first time you've mentioned it?
It's your anxiety if: You asked them to text you every hour with updates. You need constant reassurance multiple times per day. You're asking them to manage your anxiety for you.
It's them if: You asked for one daily check-in text and they called you needy. You expressed wanting to know where you stand and they labeled it as pressure. Any need you express gets dismissed as "too much."
Scenario #5: The Hot and Cold Pattern
Situation: They're super attentive for days, then distant for days, with no explanation for the shifts.
Your anxious attachment says: I must be doing something to push them away. If I can figure out what I'm doing wrong, I can fix this.
Reality check questions:
- Is this actually happening or are you interpreting normal variation as hot/cold?
- How extreme are the swings?
- Have you asked them about it?
- Is there a pattern to when they're distant?
It's your anxiety if: Their behavior is actually pretty consistent but your mood affects how you interpret it. They're present and engaged but your anxiety makes minor shifts feel drastic.
It's them if: Their behavior objectively swings wildly. One day they're making plans for next month, the next day they're barely responding. They act like a different person from week to week. This pattern continues despite you asking about it.
The Gaslighting Red Flags
Sometimes people deliberately exploit your anxious attachment to avoid accountability.
Signs They're Using Your Anxiety Against You:
🚩 Every concern gets blamed on your attachment: "That's just your anxiety talking" becomes their response to everything, including legitimate complaints.
🚩 They weaponize your self-awareness: They use your knowledge of your anxious attachment to dismiss all your feelings: "You said you have anxious attachment, so this is clearly you overreacting."
🚩 They never take responsibility: It's always your perception problem, never their behavior problem.
🚩 They encourage you to doubt yourself: "Are you sure you're seeing this clearly? Maybe you should talk to your therapist about why you're so anxious."
🚩 Your anxiety gets worse with them, not better: If someone securely attached or genuinely caring were in your life, your anxiety should gradually improve. If it's getting worse, they're probably triggering it deliberately or unconsciously.
🚩 They love that you blame yourself: They seem relieved when you say "It's my anxiety" because it means they're off the hook.
What Healthy Partners Say Instead:
✅ "I don't fully understand anxious attachment, but I want to. What helps you feel secure?"
✅ "I hear that you're anxious. I also think your concern about [specific behavior] is valid. Let's talk about both."
✅ "Some of this might be your anxiety, but I also recognize I haven't been as communicative as I should be. I'll work on that."
✅ "Help me understand what you need. I want you to feel secure with me."
✅ "I'm sorry my inconsistency triggered your anxiety. That's on me to be more reliable."
The difference: Healthy partners distinguish between your anxious patterns and their actual behavior. They take responsibility for their part.
How to Trust Yourself Again
When you've been gaslighting yourself (or been gaslit by others), rebuilding self-trust is essential.
Practice #1: Keep a Relationship Journal
Track both your feelings AND the objective facts.
Write:
- What happened (just facts, no interpretation)
- How you felt about it
- What you feared it meant
- What actually happened next
Over time, you'll see patterns:
- Times your anxiety was unfounded (they responded, had good reasons, etc.)
- Times your anxiety was absolutely justified (your gut was right)
This data helps you distinguish accurate instincts from anxious spirals.
Practice #2: The "Three Friends Test"
When something bothers you, describe it to three different friends WITHOUT mentioning your anxious attachment.
Just say: "This happened. What do you think?"
If 2-3 friends say: "That's not okay" or "I'd be upset too"—trust that your concern is valid.
If 2-3 friends say: "I think you're reading into it" or "That seems normal"—consider that it might be your anxiety.
Practice #3: Distinguish Feelings from Facts
Feeling: I feel like they're losing interest
Fact: They took 6 hours to text back today, but they've been consistently responsive for 3 weeks
Feeling: I feel like they don't care about me
Fact: They showed up to my work event and met my friends
Your feelings are valid. But they're not always accurate reflections of reality. Learning to separate them helps you respond appropriately.
Practice #4: Therapy for Attachment Work
Sometimes you need professional help to:
- Heal old attachment wounds
- Develop better instinct calibration
- Learn when to trust your gut vs. manage your anxiety
- Process past relationships where your "anxiety" was actually appropriate responses to bad behavior
Working with an attachment-focused therapist can be life-changing for learning to distinguish your patterns from others' behavior.
When to Walk Away
Sometimes the answer is clear: they're not right for you, regardless of your attachment style.
Walk Away If:
🚩 They consistently make you feel crazy for having basic needs
🚩 They use your anxious attachment as an excuse to never be accountable
🚩 Your mental health is deteriorating in this relationship
🚩 Multiple trusted people are expressing serious concerns
🚩 They refuse to have any conversations about relationship dynamics
🚩 You're constantly confused about where you stand
🚩 The relationship is mostly anxiety with occasional relief, rather than mostly security with occasional anxiety
🚩 They show you who they are through actions but you keep believing their words
The Truth:
Yes, you have anxious attachment. Yes, you need to work on that. BUT you also deserve:
- Consistency
- Respect
- Clear communication
- Someone who doesn't weaponize your self-awareness against you
- A partner who helps you feel MORE secure, not LESS
Having anxious attachment doesn't mean accepting whatever treatment you get. It means being honest about your patterns while ALSO demanding basic respect and decency.
The Bottom Line: Both Can Be True
Here's what you need to accept:
Sometimes it IS your anxious attachment. You're overreacting to normal situations. You're creating problems that don't exist. You need to manage your anxiety better.
Sometimes it IS them. They're behaving in ways that would bother anyone. Your anxiety is a completely appropriate response to their actual behavior.
Sometimes it's BOTH. You have anxious attachment that makes you extra sensitive, AND they're behaving in ways that trigger it—and maybe they could be more considerate even if you're also working on your stuff.
The goal isn't to never feel anxious. The goal is to distinguish warranted anxiety from unwarranted anxiety so you can:
- Address your patterns when it's you
- Set boundaries when it's them
- Work together when it's both
Stop automatically blaming yourself for everything. Stop accepting "it's just your anxiety" as an explanation for all your concerns. And stop dating people who refuse to examine their own behavior.
You deserve someone who:
- Understands you're working on anxious attachment
- Meets you halfway by being consistent and communicative
- Helps you distinguish when your anxiety is triggered vs. when their behavior is actually problematic
- Takes responsibility for their part in the dynamic
Having anxious attachment doesn't mean you're always wrong. Sometimes your anxiety is the only part of you that's seeing clearly.
For help distinguishing healthy from unhealthy relationship dynamics, building self-trust, and understanding attachment patterns, download Love Rekindle: Proven Strategies to Save Your Marriage and Heal Your Relationship. The frameworks for assessing relationship health and recognizing manipulation apply powerfully to dating dynamics as well. Get your copy here!
Further Reading & Resources
Anxious Attachment & Dating:
Recognizing Manipulation:
Have you struggled with this question? How do you tell the difference between your anxiety and legitimate concerns? Share your experience in the comments—your insight might help someone else trust their instincts.
Comments