Learn proven strategies to turn your situationship into a real relationship without scaring them away. Expert advice on having "the talk" and moving from undefined to committed.
⚠️ Important Relationship Advice Disclaimer: This content is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered professional relationship counseling, therapy, or mental health advice. Relationship dynamics are highly individual and complex, involving unique personal histories, attachment patterns, mental health considerations, and interpersonal dynamics that require personalized professional guidance. The information provided here does not constitute professional counseling or therapy and should not be relied upon as a substitute for qualified mental health care. If you are experiencing relationship distress, mental health challenges, patterns of unhealthy relationships, or emotional difficulties, please consult with a licensed therapist, relationship counselor, or mental health professional who can provide personalized support tailored to your specific situation. Every relationship situation is unique and may require specialized professional intervention. The strategies discussed here are general in nature and may not be appropriate for all situations, particularly those involving abuse, manipulation, or mental health crises.
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You're texting every day. You've stayed over at their place. You know their coffee order by heart. But when your friend asks, "So, are you two dating?" you freeze—because honestly, you have no idea what to call this.
Welcome to the situationship: that confusing space between casual dating and an actual relationship where you're doing all the couple things without the commitment or clarity. If you've found yourself stuck here, wondering if you'll ever move forward or just keep spinning your wheels, you're not alone. Research shows that 49% of singles in 2022 added "situationships" to their dating profiles, making it one of the fastest-growing relationship trends according to the Institute for Family Studies.
But here's the thing: while some people thrive in this undefined space, many others want more—they want the relationship. The challenge? Bringing up the conversation without pushing the other person away or seeming "too intense."
This guide will show you exactly how to turn your situationship into a real relationship, step-by-step, without the drama, ultimatums, or fear of scaring them off.
What Exactly IS a Situationship? (And Why You're Stuck in One)
Before we dive into solutions, let's get clear on what we're dealing with.
A situationship is a romantic connection that lacks clear definition, commitment, or expectations. You might be intimate, spend significant time together, and share emotional moments—but there's no official label, no talk about the future, and no real clarity about where you stand.
Think of it as relationship purgatory. You're more than friends, but you're not quite partners either.
Common signs you're in a situationship:
- You avoid using labels like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend"
- Future plans are vague or nonexistent
- The "What are we?" conversation feels terrifying
- You're not sure if you're exclusive
- You haven't met each other's friends or family
- Plans are usually last-minute or spontaneous
- Conversations stay surface-level; deeper topics feel off-limits
Why Do Situationships Happen?
Psychology research reveals several reasons people end up—and stay—in situationships:
Fear of commitment. In a world where dating apps offer endless options, many people struggle with "decision paralysis." Psychologist Barry Schwartz's research on "The Paradox of Choice" shows that having too many options can lead to fear of commitment—why commit when there might be someone better just a swipe away?
Attachment styles. Research from the University of Illinois shows that people with avoidant attachment styles often prefer the emotional distance of situationships, while those with anxious attachment may accept situationships out of fear of being alone.
Past trauma. Previous heartbreaks, divorces, or witnessing unhealthy relationships can make commitment feel scary or dangerous, according to studies on attachment and relationship patterns.
Convenience. Situationships offer the benefits of companionship and intimacy without the responsibilities or vulnerability of a committed relationship.
Here's what recent research tells us: many people stay in situationships hoping they'll naturally evolve into relationships. They're essentially waiting in "relationship purgatory," hoping time alone will solve the problem. A 2025 study published in Sexuality & Culture found that people often view situationships as a "gateway to a traditional relationship"—a temporary holding pattern before commitment.
Spoiler alert: it won't. You need to take action.
Before You Make Your Move: Is This Situationship Worth Pursuing?
Not every situationship deserves to become a relationship. Before you invest more emotional energy, honestly assess whether this person is actually relationship material.
Ask Yourself These Questions:
Are they emotionally available? Do they open up about their feelings, past, and future? Or do they keep everything surface-level and deflect deeper conversations?
Do they make an effort? Are they consistently showing up for you, making plans, and prioritizing time together? Or do you feel like you're always the one initiating?
Are your values aligned? Do you want similar things in life—career goals, family plans, lifestyle preferences? Major misalignment will cause problems later.
Do they respect your boundaries? When you express needs or concerns, do they listen and adjust their behavior? Or do they dismiss your feelings?
Is there mutual interest? Does it feel like you're both equally invested, or are you constantly wondering if they're into you?
If you answered "no" to most of these questions, you might be holding onto something that isn't meant to last. Sometimes the healthiest choice is walking away rather than trying to force a relationship with someone who isn't ready or willing.
But if you see real potential here—if this person treats you well, you share genuine connection, and the only missing piece is that official commitment—then it's time to take strategic action.
Step 1: Get Crystal Clear on What YOU Want
Before you can have a productive conversation with them, you need to know what you're actually asking for.
Many people stay stuck in situationships because they're afraid to admit what they want, even to themselves. They tell themselves, "I'm just going with the flow" or "I don't want to pressure them," when really, they're desperate for clarity and commitment.
Stop lying to yourself. You deserve to want what you want.
Journal on these questions:
- What does a relationship mean to me?
- What specific things would change if we made this official?
- Am I ready for the responsibilities of commitment?
- What boundaries or expectations would I need in a relationship?
- What's my dealbreaker if they say no?
Getting clear on your desires isn't selfish—it's self-respect. You can't have an honest conversation with someone else until you're honest with yourself.
If you're struggling to define what you want or keep settling for less than you deserve, resources like Love Rekindle: Proven Strategies to Save Your Marriage and Heal Your Relationship can help you understand healthy relationship patterns and build the confidence to ask for what you need. Download it here!
Step 2: Read the Room—Are They Showing "Relationship-Ready" Signs?
Before you initiate the big conversation, pay attention to their behavior. Are they showing signs of wanting something more, or are they perfectly content with the status quo?
Green Flags That They Might Want More:
- They're making future plans with you (even small ones like "Let's check out that new restaurant next month")
- They've started introducing you to important people in their life—friends, coworkers, maybe even family
- They're becoming more emotionally vulnerable and sharing deeper thoughts and feelings
- They check in regularly and show genuine interest in your day, your problems, your life
- They're showing signs of jealousy or asking about exclusivity (even subtly)
- Physical affection is increasing in non-sexual contexts—holding hands in public, casual touches, cuddles
- They talk about you on social media or post photos of you two together
- They remember small details about your life and reference past conversations
Red Flags That They're Not Ready:
- They avoid the topic entirely when you hint at defining things
- Plans are always last-minute and rarely extend beyond the next few days
- They're still actively using dating apps or mention other people they're seeing
- They pull back when you try to get emotionally closer
- Your relationship only exists in private—no one in their life knows about you
- They make jokes or negative comments about relationships, marriage, or commitment in general
- They've explicitly said they don't want a relationship (believe them!)
If you're seeing mostly green flags, there's a good chance they're open to making this official—they might even be waiting for you to bring it up. If you're seeing red flags, proceed with caution and lower your expectations.
Step 3: Build Emotional Intimacy BEFORE the Conversation
One mistake people make is trying to jump straight from casual to committed without building the emotional foundation first. Relationships aren't just about labels—they're about genuine connection.
Increase emotional intimacy by:
Having deeper conversations. Move beyond "How was your day?" Ask about their childhood, their dreams, their fears, their values. Share your own stories and vulnerabilities too.
Being present. Put your phone away when you're together. Practice active listening—really hear what they're saying instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.
Showing up during hard times. When they're stressed, sick, or struggling, be there. Emotional support during difficult moments builds real connection.
Creating shared experiences. Do activities together that require teamwork or create memories—cooking together, hiking, attending events, trying something new.
Gradually increasing intimacy. Share more of your authentic self. Let them see you without makeup, in a bad mood, or when you're not trying to impress. True intimacy means being seen as you really are.
The goal here is to demonstrate through your actions that you're capable of and interested in a deeper connection. Research on relationship satisfaction shows that emotional intimacy and communication quality are strongly linked to relationship success. When the relationship already feels like a partnership, putting a label on it becomes less scary.
Step 4: Have "The Talk"—But Do It Right
Okay, this is the moment you've been dreading: actually bringing up the conversation. But here's the secret—when you do it right, it doesn't have to be awkward or confrontational.
Timing Matters
Don't have this conversation:
- After sex or during an intimate moment (emotions are heightened and thinking is clouded)
- During or after an argument
- When either of you is stressed, tired, or distracted
- Via text message (seriously, don't)
- In public where you can't have privacy
DO have this conversation:
- During a calm, relaxed moment when you're both in good moods
- In a private, comfortable setting
- When you have time to really talk without rushing
- Face-to-face where you can read each other's body language
How to Start the Conversation
Use this framework to keep things clear, non-threatening, and productive:
1. Set the stage calmly.
"Hey, I've been thinking about us lately, and I'd love to have an honest conversation about where we're at. Is now a good time?"
2. Share your feelings using "I" statements.
"I really enjoy spending time with you, and I've developed real feelings for you. I find myself wanting more clarity about what this is between us."
3. Be direct but not demanding.
"I'm at a point where I'm looking for a committed relationship. I'd love for that to be with you, but I also want to know if we're on the same page."
4. Ask open-ended questions.
"How do you feel about where we're at?"
"What are you looking for right now in your life?"
"Is this something you see becoming more serious?"
5. Listen without interrupting.
Give them space to process and respond. Don't immediately counter or defend if they're hesitant. Really hear what they're saying.
6. Clarify expectations.
If they're open to moving forward, discuss what that means: "So if we're going to be in a relationship, what does that look like for you? Are we exclusive? Do we tell people about us?"
What NOT to Say:
❌ "We need to define this right now."
❌ "If you can't commit, I'm done."
❌ "Why don't you want to be with me?"
❌ "All my friends think you're just using me."
❌ "I've been waiting months for you to ask me out."
These approaches come across as aggressive, manipulative, or guilt-tripping—all major turn-offs.
Step 5: Handle Their Response With Grace
Here's the truth: you can't control their answer. But you can control how you respond, and that matters.
If They Say Yes:
Celebrate! But also take time to establish clear boundaries and expectations now that you're officially together:
- Are you exclusive?
- How often will you see each other?
- What does "being in a relationship" mean to each of you?
- How will you handle conflicts?
- What are your communication expectations?
Starting a relationship with clarity prevents future misunderstandings.
If They Say "I Need Time to Think":
This is actually not a bad answer—it means they're taking it seriously. Give them reasonable space (a few days to a week max) to process. But also set a boundary:
"I understand you need time to think. I can give you space, but I also need clarity soon because I don't want to be in limbo indefinitely. Can we revisit this conversation in a few days?"
If They Say No or "I'm Not Ready":
This is the hardest outcome, but it's also the most important information you can get. Believe them. Don't try to convince, negotiate, or wait around hoping they'll change their mind.
Respond with dignity:
"I appreciate you being honest with me. I have feelings for you, but I'm looking for a committed relationship, and if that's not what you want, I need to respect that and move on."
Then actually move on. Don't stick around hoping they'll change their mind or accepting breadcrumbs of affection. You deserve someone who chooses you enthusiastically, not reluctantly.
Remember: their answer isn't a reflection of your worth. It's about timing, readiness, and compatibility.
Step 6: Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
After the conversation, you need to honor whatever decision was made—including your own boundaries.
[Image 8 Placement: After this section]
Leonardo AI Prompt: "Person standing confidently looking out window with determined expression, sunrise/sunset lighting, representing self-respect and healthy boundaries, empowered body language, cinematic realistic photography"
If they said yes: Don't let the relationship slide back into situationship territory. Hold them accountable to the commitments you both agreed to.
If they said maybe: Set a specific timeframe for a follow-up conversation, and don't let yourself be strung along indefinitely.
If they said no: Stop all romantic contact. You cannot be "friends" with someone you have unrequited feelings for—it's emotional torture. Create distance and give yourself space to heal.
Boundaries aren't punishment—they're self-respect in action.
The Bottom Line: You Deserve Clarity
Here's what you need to understand: staying in a situationship isn't "patient" or "chill"—it's settling. If you want a relationship and they don't, you're not compatible right now, and that's okay. According to research from Cleveland Clinic, the ambiguity of situationships can take a significant toll on mental health and emotional wellbeing.
The right person won't make you feel crazy for wanting commitment. They won't leave you guessing about where you stand. They'll be excited to claim you, introduce you to their world, and build a future together.
Turning a situationship into a relationship takes courage, honesty, and sometimes, the willingness to walk away. But you owe it to yourself to ask for what you want. The worst thing they can say is no—and even that is better than months or years of uncertainty.
If you're ready to build the confidence to have this conversation and develop healthier relationship patterns moving forward, check out Love Rekindle: Proven Strategies to Save Your Marriage and Heal Your Relationship. This free guide offers proven frameworks for creating the loving, committed relationship you deserve. Download your copy here!
So take a deep breath. Get clear on what you want. Have the conversation. And remember: whether this situationship becomes a relationship or not, you're taking control of your love life—and that's powerful.
You've got this.
References & Further Reading:
Have you successfully turned a situationship into a relationship, or are you currently navigating one? Share your story or questions in the comments below—let's support each other through the uncertainty!
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