As weeks dissolve into months, she discover her dreamboat is more a nightmare, or he realize that the object of his affection is not all she appeared to be. In our fast pace world, it seems as though anything goes these days, it may be wise for both men/women to approach new relationships with a bit of caution. As I researched, both men and women - there is an abundance of seemingly good catches who on closer look, turn out to be Mr. Wrong or anything but Ms. Right. Yet, most people subconsciously overlook fatal flaws in their lovers - for their emotional bad habits prevent them from assessing people and situation accurately...and consequently from moving on to a healthy relationship.
To help you distinguish between genuine jewels and worthless stones, let me offer my advice on 'Red Flags' that should go up when you are spending time with less than an ideal partner.
1. When he won't give you his home number:
In today's high-tech world, many people have cell phones, email, etc. However, convenience is one thing while exclusive is another - if a man you've recently met will not give you his home telephone number or cell phone, then you have reason to suspect that he has a lots of other women or he is married. In addition, some men like the idea of keeping track of you, but prefer that you not be able to pin down his whereabouts.
2. Incompatibility in basic values:
For instants, he worships Satan, she worships God. She's Catholic but he's Baptist. He has a Ph.D and enjoys intellectual discussions; She only finished grade school and has little to contribute to discussion. He wants a lot of children and his partner to stay at home and care for them - she wants a career. Sure, it's expected that two different people will not share fully all the same values - but if most of their values are different, the relationship is in serious jeopardy.
3. When busy schedules leave little time for you:
Women often complain that men in their lives work all the time; Nights, weekends, holiday's etc. Or she might be an aspiring politician who attends an endless round of meetings, dinner and receptions. Such people never have time for the family gathering - Xmas, birthday's, new years eve party. The mistakes many people make in thinking marriage will change a compulsive workaholic or would-be politician. If you find that your love interest has a greater interest in his or her job or her social club, he or she might not be the right person for you.
4. Emotional baggage from previous relationships:
That guy you mat seems intriguing but constantly brings up nasty tidbits about his ex-wife. Or the attractive woman who at first was like a breath of fresh air can't have a conversation without mentioning a past lover. Let me say this, when you have unresolved problems from a previous relationships - it can and will carry over into the next one. And also, when there were violations of trust in prior relationships, emotional trauma is transported into the new relationship and the carrier poses a barrier to compatibility - red flag alert!
5. Extreme jealousy and violent behavior:
Both men and women should be very cautions about partners who are possessive, jealous and violent. Take note if your date has a bad temper and frequently angry outbursts. A red flag sign ( excessive jealousy in a male partner is warning that he might become physically abusive). Second red flag, he's paranoid all the time, the need to control, quick to get angry and constant criticism. Men with these characteristics fit the abuser profile; Many women make excuses for violent partner - reason being that they must have done something wrong to provoked the man's actions. Early on in the relationship, it starts out with verbal abuse and afterwords it gets physical - it should be also noted that women can get violent too. My advice to both men/women make it very clear you will not accept this kind of behavior - and even when your partner is not violent, be caution about people who are excessively argumentative.
Note: Disagreements are to be expected, and discussions to resolve them are normal - But when nearly every disagreement escalates to an argument in 60 seconds flat, there are serious problems with this person.
6. The substance abuser:
Be it man or woman, the drug addict or alcoholic is the wrong choice of partner. Many substance abusers are adept at masking the severity of their problem. She may drink with you socially but also keep a bottle hidden at her bedside. Or slip into the bathroom to snort his cocaine or smoke his crack out of your presence. Take note of your partner's actions, reactions and extreme mood swings. If responses are slow, words slurred, eyes glassy - there might be a problem.
7. Too many nights out with the fellas or too much time with her mother or girlfriends:
Men who continue to spend several nights a week out with the boys and women who spend excessive time with their family and female acquaintance while you spend time alone - obviously they fear the responsibilities of forming a solid relationship. Men are turned off by women who consult with mother or friends on every aspect of the relationship, or who always tend to be the phone with the girls when he calls or wants to be alone with her. For example: A doctor (female) it wasn't until after she married a fireman, that she realized the control that his mother had over him - mom would call at odd hours and insist that junior rush over and fix the ( TV ) or take his younger sister shopping. Mom also had command of weekends and holidays too - after years of battling, the doctor filed for divorce and sent her Mr. Wrong home to his mother. Red flag, are you beginning to to see the big picture!
8. Mr. Flirt and Ms. Tease:
If he constantly flirts with your sister and girlfriends, you are headed for trouble. So is the whose girlfriend is a tease; Some women are to sociable when you take them out, they are always up in some others man's face trying to make you jealous. It might be cute at first, but eventually it drives the man batty - by the same token, the man who flirts with your girlfriends will also flirt with your daughter. Stay away from such dishonest people!
9. Lack of communication:
It cannot be overemphasized how important communication is to a good relationship. Talking and sharing one's feelings, needs, desires, aspirations and fears are key to bonding with a potential mate. If there are problems you must be able to talk about them to resolve them - while it might not seem like much of a problem at first, in the long run lack of communication can pose a serious barrier to intimacy. Even when dating you should be able to communicate with your partner, the inability to resolve problems in relationships is a sign of in compatibility - And also leads to boredom and nothing to talk about syndrome are ( Red Flags ) that you are with Mr. or Ms. Wrong. Conversations keep getting shorter and shorter, there just doesn't seem to be much to say, there are frequent long silences. These are likely signs that the couples interests are so different from each others that they have few common denominators for meaningful conversation. Or that there are few sparks of excitement to keep the relationship alive
10. The control freak:
There have been many books written about this subject, marriage counselors warned against partners who must always be in control of you and the relationship. You constantly feel criticized judged and scrutinized. Or she is intent on correcting your behavior, even in front of others. Also stay away from partners who are determined to change you or whom you feel you must change. If change is needed, he or she might not be a suitable partner.
11. When he or she has trouble keeping a job, or when their livelihood is vague and questionable:
We all know people who are involved with a partner who never seems to be able to keep a decent job. The male will always blame 'The Black Man' or 'The White Man' or 'Racism' or 'The System' for his employment problems or whatever ( black, white, pink, purple, alien, etc ) it doesn't matter - And then they have the nerve to expect his love interests to foot the bills or make a loan to tide him over. Lets not for get the women; Even some college educated one's who float from job to job as well. Yet, they frequently try to hang around decent hard working men in hopes of getting themselves a meal ticket. One's job doesn't have to be fancy or the salary that hefty, but a partner with a steady paycheck is less likely to be a gigolo or con artist, or a woman in search of a sugar daddy. Red flag!
12. The gold digger:
There are some partners who expect to contribute virtually nothing to a relationship, and they may also have unfair expectations of what they should receive - we typically call these people 'gold diggers'. They expect their romantic partners will give them more than they are willing to give others - typically they are freeloaders. You will notice the signs, when you're the only person doing all the giving! Definitely a Red Flag!
My book recommendation: