Nov 28, 2017

Salve for the Pain from Breaking Up

The sting at the end of a relationship leaves many people lost and floundering. In the haze of pain, one can wonder if they will every come out the other side whole even if they have suffered heartbreaks in the past. Those in pain need a course of action where they feel progress being made dealing with what they went through and becoming a better person at the other end. Let's look at some steps for moving forward.

Take Time Away

Even the most resilient people require time to let the hurt of a break up subside. The initial days and weeks magnify the pain one is feeling. An important thing for everyone to do at this point is taking a step away from things and granting themselves permission to feel the pain. Like a seed planted in the ground, buried pain rises to spread its vines throughout a person's life and future relationships. A hurt person will want to be well as soon as possible. A quick resolution becomes less of a catharsis and more of a burial.

Keep Busy with Other Things

Laying greater focus on the former relationship and its demise will trigger negative feelings. While self examination and evaluation of the relationship may be a good exercise at some point, this should never be done immediately at the end. Skewed perspectives will lead one to misinterpret things. One needs to take advantage of the situation. They may get away from relationships and focus on other areas.

Educate: Delving to a particular area of interest, perhaps neglected even prior to the relationship, may open up several areas. It is wise to narrow the focus to interests with personal history and avoid things one may have followed with the partner.

Explore: Travel and new activities means exposure to things. This richness creates a more interesting individual. One need only be limited by their own imagination. Crafts and hobbies often spring from this fertile ground.

Examine: During a relationship, one might lose touch with themselves making the time following an even greater challenge. Getting back in touch and casting an eye toward things going on inside may yield additional fruit over time.

Be Gentle

Too often following a break up, people grow critical about everything. This attitude starts as a protective shell against the pain they are feeling and then morphs to encompass so much more. The first step to avoiding bitterness over a break up requires being gentle to oneself. Some have never talked to themselves, either internally or externally, with the care they would one of their friends. They need to extend the same kindness to themselves to help the healing process.

Get Out of the House

Isolation suffocates people in pain. They think lack of contact will keep them safe from future pain. While this is true on a strictly narrow sense, it creates an environment where they are only alone. Getting out of the house with friends and family will keep one connected to the world at large. This becomes critical when a desire to date again rises because it will be easier to follow through.

The pain can feel insurmountable as though it actively seeks to crush the life from the body. For that reason, acknowledging the pain without giving up one's life to it allows for the possibility of moving through it. Staying engaged by taking time, keeping busy, being gentle and getting into the world proves the healthiest way to grow from rather than being stunted by the pain of a break up.

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Nov 27, 2017

Blocks to Building Trust

Trust in relationships mimic a web created with tiny strands and decisions. Knowing the right time move forward or reweave a certain section proves tricky. Couples need a solid plan establishing the foundation and building from their base. Countless people believe they know every aspect regarding trust. If this were true, few relationships would end over broken trust. With that in mind, couples must take into account more than trite ideals.

Communicate

Couples seeking deeper trust, even when starting out, must communicate with one another. Often this seems far too easy. When asked what they do well, both members of the pair typically say they possess a great handle on communicating. The strict law of averages will tell anyone not every person has the keen grasp on communication they believe they do. This means everyone, no matter what they believe, needs to work on their skills.

* Listen: The cornerstone of trust involves taking in the information of the other person and must come first every time.

* Speak: Stone cold silence stifles any hope forming a bond. Sharing breaths life into the spark of communication.

* Clarify: Brief exchanges verifying what has been disclosed eases the conversation forward allowing for deeper topics to arise.

Connect

The next step to building trust revolves around connecting with a partner. Communication, at least initially, can stay at a surface level. If a couple wants to deepen their trust, they must be brave and connect on deeper topics. These areas can be fraught with risk because people develop viewpoints which may be challenged in ways they find uncomfortable. In that difficult space, trust is forged.

* History: Mutually confessing past hurts displays chinks in the perfect images and allowing the other to witness true shortcomings.

* Future: Hopes and dreams live in the space beyond the now. By delving into these areas, couples get windows into each other's hearts in special ways.

* Beliefs: Trust can flourish in a debate about things held sacred by each person. The very insubstantial nature of these topics means a bond becomes critical in ways simple conversation alone will never cover.

Care

This final step brings couples to the pinnacle of trust building because it connects the first two in the unique space beyond the obvious. Couples can believe they communicate well. They also can feel connected to one another. Care for each other comes from a place far different. It is a melding of the head and the heart. Intellect may carry the pair to lip of the diving board. The plunge occurs when the heart sees no other avenue than caring for the person. Caring never means blindly moving forward without communication or connection. Care overwhelms past prejudices allowing light and love to flow inside the couple.

It is best to see the three steps as strands of a cord braided together. No one will care with out sharing their heart. Connection never goes deeper than spirited debates in the absence of care. There is a place where they all mix into something stronger than the three skills alone. Couples with a strong bond will be secure with trust to carry them through any trial and into deeper love.

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Nov 26, 2017

Three Reasons Guys Are Not Committing

The classic stereotype casts the woman in the role of the relational pursuer and the man as dragging his feet. In several movies, the put upon girlfriend eternally waits for the pending proposal from the boyfriend with his list of lame excuses. The thin reasons may be pointless vows or a magical spell causing him to only speak in gibberish. These examples resonate because they feel real from both sides. The guy clings to what he views as valid reasons. The lady struggles to understand while still seeking his affection.

What if there was not a lame reason? What if valid, emotional reasons existed for the guy? Would this be easier to accept?

The reasons might not speak to the woman, but one cannot deny everyone has reasons for the way they behave. Most people never fully grasp what they are feeling or why they act the way they do. Once determined, the other party becomes free to evaluate the reason to assess if they wish to remain waiting for changes in the situation.

Always Looking:

Some guys refuse to commit for the same reason certain apartment renters never buy a house. An underlying assumption points to a phenomenon as old as time itself. Everyone thinks there might be something better, different, ideal or any other collection of adjectives. This locks an uncommitted man into a place of perpetual searching. More often than not, no magical answer exists. The follow up question for the woman in waiting is does she want to be viewed as "good enough" to stop the search. Often the answer is no because it implies all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Not the Right Time:

How often has one been in a relationship with someone who gives an ultimatum? The line in the sand often sounds like "I'm never getting married no matter what." Flash forward a few years and this staunch single person is walking down the aisle. Did something magical happen in the interim? No, there was no magic unless the mystical energy of time is attributed. Graduation from college, a new job or a cross country move changes a person's place in the world. Time alters everything and everyone. Because no one proves immune to its power, the man resisting a relationship may get rocked into a place where they are open to all the joys of commitment to another.

Past Pain:

This reason for lack of commitment becomes the most challenging. Not even the one being spurned wants continued pain for the one they profess to love. The damage done because of either past relationships or life trauma stunts the sufferer keeping them in a place where moving forward becomes impossible. For the one desiring a committed relationship, they sound reasonable in their mind and they are. However, the stuck person feels like they are being asked to climb an impossible wall with a massive load they never wanted. They need tenderness. Unfortunately, time and care may never erode the barrier keeping them from committing. In many ways, this situation proves the saddest because the one needing love the most cannot accept it.

Having said all of this, the decision to stay with someone who is having commitment issues, no matter the cause, and working through them requires great endurance. A woman must decide how deep her care for this person goes. She may love him a great deal and still decide it is best for them both to separate. These questions present multiple options for second guessing. Take the time and talk to each other before any final decisions are made. Then stay together or part with deep care for each other.

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