Oct 29, 2009

Evaluating Your Relationship before You Take It to the Next Level

It doesn't matter if you've been in a relationship for a while or if it's brand new, most people will reach a point where they are considering taking their relationship to the next level.  The next level could mean anything from physical intimacy to a walk down the aisle.  No matter what the next level is for you, now is the time to start  evaluating your relationship with your partner.

While it may seem like this would be an easy thing to do it can actually be very difficult.  There are a few reasons why achieving an honest evaluation can be a tough thing for people:

1) If you wait too long to honestly access the quality and strength of your relationship you may already be in too deep to be able to objectively analyze the weak points in your partner and your relationship.

Once you've fallen for that person you will see only what you want to see.  Few people will still have the strength to honestly admit that there might be a problem. They will turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is great.

2) During the early days and most of the 'dating phase' of a relationship your partner, and you, can be very guarded and careful of what they let the other see.  With some people it's a deliberate attempt to hide their true colors with others it's a more innocent "putting the best foot forward" type of thing.

Either way this tendency can make an honest evaluation very difficult.

One of the most important things you can do to try to have a secure and fulfilling relationship is to honestly evaluate the strength of your partner and the relationship early on. 

It's also important to take your time.  Too many people ignore the warning signs because they just want to be with someone so badly they are willing to be mistreated just so they don't have to be alone.

If you really want a strong relationship make sure you are strong first.  If you are happy with you and you have made a full life for yourself filled with people and activities that make you happy, then you won't be so desperate for a relationship that you  allow yourself to be mistreated.

Honestly  evaluating your relationship with your partner is something everyone should do, but few actually do.  The earlier you do it the easier it will be to see things clearly as they really are and not just as you want them to be.  That is the difference between a happy and loving relationship and an unhappy and potentially abusive relationship.

What Are The Emotional Stages Of A Relationship Breakup

The emotional roller coaster of a painful breakup generally affects both parties in similar ways.  The intensity may be different for the person who wanted the breakup than for the "dumpee", but both people will go through the emotional stages of a relationship breakup.

Knowing and recognizing the different steps for what they are can help you move through the process a little easier.  Each stage is necessary so you can heal and be whole and able to find love again some day.  Don't try to shortcut the steps, just remember that after you've gone through each step you will be on the road to feeling better.

There is no time limit for how long each step should take to get through. How long it takes will depend on a lot of things such as how secure you are in  yourself and what type of a support system you have.

Here are the 5 major steps in a relationship breakup:

1) Pain.  This will often hit hard and fast.  At first the pain can be diminished somewhat by a feeling of disbelief but once that passes the pain can seem unbearable.  This is a physical pain.  You might not be able to eat or sleep.  Everything seems like too much effort. You just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone.

2) Denial.  This is the step when you start thinking that it is all a big mistake and surely your ex will realize it very soon and the two of you will be back together.  That can be a dangerous way to think.  It is important that you try to move through this stage as quickly as possible.  Lingering too long in this stage can really make it harder to heal and move on.

3) Anger.  This is when all your fear and hurt turns to anger.  You are outraged that someone who claimed to love you could hurt you so deeply.  This stage is very destructive and hurtful to both parties and if you're not careful how you handle this stage you might sabotage any chances you have of getting back together.

It's also important to make sure you don't become overly bitter.  If you let that bitterness grow too strong it could follow you into other relationships making it harder to ever having a fulfilling relationship again.

4) Grieving.  At this stage you will mourn your lost relationship.  You will often spend a lot of time reminiscing about all the good times the two of you had shared.  It is very important to keep a close watch on your mental health during this stage.

 If you ever feel like 'ending it all' make sure you seek help immediately.  It is impossible to believe while going through this but you really will love again, if you allow yourself to.

5) Acceptance.  You will finally reach a point where you realize it's over.  You are stronger and better able to start thinking more about your future and less about your past. This time can be bittersweet: you've realized and dealt with the fact that your relationship is over which is sad, but you're also excited about new opportunities and convinced you will find love again.

The more you know about the  emotional stages of a relationship breakup
and how to deal with them the easier and quicker you can move on from living in the past to a bright new future.  Just make sure you understand that this is all normal and it will get better, just hang in there.

Oct 26, 2009

My Relationship Psychology Approach

No relationship is perfect, but it is possible to make your partnership more enjoyable for each of you. After all, relationship psychology is all about finding ways to maintain a balance that stops one of both partners from becoming disillusioned with the union. If you've already broken up with your partner, then using similar relationship psychology principles can also help you to get your mate back.

Relationship psychology is about teaching each person inside the relationship how to recognize destructive or unhelpful patterns that could potentially be driving your partner away. The unfortunate part about most couples is that they often believe the other person will think the same way as they do. In truth, men and women have very different ways of communicating those things they need or want.

Women need to remember that men place more value on actions rather than words. This means a woman who constantly tries to get her partner to address problems in the relationship by talking about the issues or arguing about bad behavior is almost certain to see an increase in those negative patterns.

Instead of talking or arguing your way through an issue, try using a more psychological approach. Men respond more positively to your actions. They want to know that they are capable of making you happy. A man who is constantly faced with an upset partner will begin to think there's nothing he can do to make you happy, so he'll withdraw even further from you, even to the point of breaking up.

However, if he's faced with a happy, confident partner who is a pleasure to spend time with, he's less likely to withdraw. In fact, he'll likely draw even closer because he enjoys being around you. Men in this situation will often find themselves doing whatever they can to make sure you stay as happy as you were on those occasions. If you find it difficult to raise your self-confidence, then try giving yourself a mini-make over or spend some time doing something you enjoy. When you feel good within yourself, you're more likely to radiate that confidence outwardly as well.

Men need to remember that women value slightly different emotional triggers than they do. Women want to know that the man they love places enough value on her to really listen to what she's saying. If you feel your wife or girlfriend is pulling away from you, then sit down and just listen.

Ask questions about what your partner has just said and then take notice of her responses. If men can learn to listen attentively without allowing their mind to wander off, their girlfriends will begin to feel more loved, which leads them in turn to develop into a good mood, which makes them happy and enjoyable to send time with.

These primary differences in relationship psychology between men and women are simple things you can do to help strengthen your existing relationship, but they'll also work equally well if you're trying to get your man or woman back.

Note: These are my own thoughts and how I approach my relationship - it's not written in stone or one size fit all type of thing, but 9 out of 10 it will work...if your willing to try!!!

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